How to Train a Grasshopper the Right Way
Step 1: Catch the Grasshopper
This probably seems like it is going to be the hardest part, right? Every time I go near a grasshopper it just jumps away. Maybe they don't like me. I start to think about it and there may be an actual reason for that.
I recall a time from my past when I was around five years old. I am not proud of this in the present day just so you know. I had a bb gun when I was a kid. When I was at my grandma's house, think wide-open desert space, I used to use that bb gun to shoot grasshoppers. Sickening, I know. I'm sure there has been communication about my deplorable actions throughout the generations of grasshoppers. They know me as an enemy from my younger days. It could also just be they are afraid I am going to step on them. I am not sure.
If you have your own grasshopper story, I would encourage you to own it, good or bad. Maybe they don't even jump away from you. If that is the case, you can probably stop reading now. For the rest of us, let's continue.
The first thing that pops into my head, and maybe yours, is to take a big plastic cup and try to capture the grasshopper by running around after it. This method does eventually work, offers a bit of enjoyment, exercise, and a sense of accomplishment for you. However, for the grasshopper, it has been a very traumatic experience.
Imagine if someone was trying to catch you in a giant plastic cup. How would that make you feel? Would you trust your captor? Remember, our goal is to train a grasshopper. Catching a grasshopper this way is only going to extend the trust-building process by weeks and maybe months.
I start to think about what grasshoppers eat. Maybe I can make a trap. My first assumption would be they eat other bugs, like a praying mantis. That is when I caught them red-handed feasting on some of my succulents. I did not like this, but I was intrigued.
After doing a little research I found grasshoppers eat the kinds of things humans eat, but in their rawest form. Things like wheat, oats, barley, alfalfa, and corn. They will also eat things like grass, weeds, leaves, bark, and flowers. In my case, I found out they like a particular type of succulent I grow. So I am going to use that as the bait.
Step 2: Building the Trap
You could use a trap like the one pictured above with some modifications. I chose to buy one of those extra-large plastic storage bins. You want the big one because this is going to provide a larger space for the grasshopper to assimilate in. I am an average-sized human and was able to get my entire body into the container.
We want the grasshopper to be able to breathe, so we need to get some holes in this thing. The plastic is thick and it may be difficult to punch a hole. I suggest getting an old Phillips-head screwdriver and a candle. Light the candle then hold the end of the screwdriver over the flame. When it is good and hot puncture the container. You will need to repeat this process at least 141 times. Don't make the holes too big though.
Find a nice place where you are going to keep your grasshopper habitat and gather all the things you will have inside. In my case, I am going to provide one of those succulents of mine they love to eat, some lemongrass and marigolds. Just put something in there the grasshopper is going to eat. Not too much though.
Step 3: Trapping
We are going to be using the very reliable "prop the container up with a stick tied to a rope" method. I don't have a picture of it but I am sure you have formed a vision in your mind from some cartoon you used to watch as a kid. So find a stick that is at least ten inches long, has a nice v shape on one end, and is sturdy enough to hold up the container. Now tie some string, rope, fishing line, or whatever to the end that is not a V shape.
The time has come. Prop the container up with the stick and put yourself at the other end of the rope. Wait for the grasshopper to come feed. It will. Trust me. The world is being overrun with grasshoppers. It looks like the end of time with some of the images I have seen. That is one of the reasons why I want to get back on the good side with grasshoppers.
This is an important note. You may want to start hiding all the other things that may be out in the open that the grasshopper would eat, put it all away. Now just be patient. When you finally do see the grasshopper enter the trap, don't pull right away, wait for it to begin feeding. Then tug.
Got it!
Step 4: Feeding
Remember, you now control the food source of this grasshopper. Once it is trapped it would be wise for you to let the grasshopper know that you are in control, the alpha. When the grasshopper has eaten everything you have provided as food in the beginning, it is time to put our grasshopper on an eating schedule. The most important part of this step is to make eye contact with the grasshopper as you are handing over its meals. Speak in a soothing tone. Keep this up for a full month. Routine is important.
Step 5: Escape
On the 18th day of getting the grasshopper acclimated to a schedule, I notice it is gone. Not dead but gone. What happened here? The only thing that makes sense to me is that it must have been the other grasshoppers. Hundreds of them must have banded together to lift up this habitat and release my trainee.
I begin to worry. I don't know what this is going to mean for me in the future. Am I in more trouble with the grasshoppers now? Did the grasshopper I caught already know who I was from my childhood atrocities? I am fearful and have trouble sleeping at night. It gets so bad that I am thinking of consulting a therapist. For now, I just speak with my friends and family about it. They already think I am crazy though, so this does not help my case.
After weeks of dread, I decided to talk to a professional. I make an appointment with a therapist and am feeling good about the decision. She comes with all the good things that people say about a person who excels at their job.
On the day of the appointment, my feet and hands are ice cold. It is an eighty-five-degree day. I break out in nervous sweats at the same time. My whole body shakes in a very tight vibration. It feels like about 440 Hz. It makes the bones in my ears rattle around and I start to hear the ringing in my ears. I am glad I made this appointment in the morning. I would never have been able to make it through the whole day.
I make it to the office and I am finally called to start my session. We introduce ourselves to each other and sit down. As my new therapist gets her seat I can't help but look over her right shoulder. I notice a large painting of a grasshopper. I look at her and back at the painting a number of times. It seems like five minutes pass in slow motion. Then nothing.
I wake up from an unintelligible dream. I was flying through hula hoops while piloting one of those toy planes that are fueled by twisting up a rubber band real tight and letting go. I had just flown through an icy hula hoop when my plane started to lose power. That is when woke.
I look around and I am trapped in a large white container with holes punched into it. I try to move it but it won't budge. I notice a bag of purple Skittles and a cup of coffee on the floor. I chuckle audibly. It looks like they have been doing their research.
I head over to the Skittles because I want to put a handful of them in my mouth. Even though I am trapped the only thing I want is those Skittles. That is when I start getting pelted by what must be bbs from a bb gun.
Well played grasshoppers, well played.